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| Jay Waters delights in his baby sister Megan. Photo courtesy of Kim Waters |
When my son Jay was four, his wish list for Santa included items such as a pony or a baby sister. His father and I thought it was just a passing phase until the following year, when those items were still on the list. Although my husband and I had already decided that our family was complete with just one child, I began to think about how much a sibling would enrich Jay's life. Friends will come and go throughout life but a sibling is forever someone with whom to share everything, from the joy of having children to the grief of losing a parent. Also, a baby eats considerably less than a pony and is easier to clean up after!
So a week after his sixth birthday, Jay welcomed his long-anticipated baby sister, Megan. From the beginning she was as much his as ours, and he adored her. I knew the minute I saw the two of them together that expanding our family had been the right decision.
In 2001, when Jay was born, universal hearing tests for newborns were not yet routine. So Jay's hearing impairment was not discovered until just after his fourth birthday. We were determined not to go without such a vital evaluation with our second child, so Megan was screened right away. After what seemed like an impossibly long wait, the doctor came in beaming and announced that Megan had passed her newborn hearing screening. My whole body sagged with relief. Like any other parent, I wanted my baby to start out her life with as many advantages as possible but I was surprised at the tiny bit of disappointment I felt as well. I realized that, deep down, a small part of me had almost wanted Megan to have a hearing impairment like her brother. Then Jay would have someone who would truly understand him, and I would worry less about him feeling alone. I felt guilty for harboring such thoughts as if I had been willing to throw my daughter under a bus for the sake of my first born, my own modern-day Sophie's Choice. It was just a fleeting thought though; the other 99 percent of me was elated that Megan had normal hearing.
That was not the last time, however, that my concern for Megan would be secondary to my conscientiousness in regard to Jay. There is some of the normal second child syndrome marked by a dramatic decrease in photos and memorabilia compared to the firstborn but I worry that more of my attention will be focused on Jay because I know that success will not come as easily for him. Megan will be fine. No need to worry over her, I've caught myself thinking many times. I take it for granted that things will fall into place for her and yet I feel anxious over Jay's future. And, of course, that's not fair to either of them.
Then there are times when I feel guilty because of how much less effort I put into parenting Megan. In part, it's because I'm just more at ease with the second child but a lot of it has to do with how easy it is to communicate with her. What a difference spoken language makes! I know that sounds like the understatement of the year but I am amazed daily at my daughter's expanding vocabulary it seems to grow exponentially. The words that come out of her tiny mouth just leave me dumbfounded. But what really strikes me is her receptive language. It's such a surprise to be able to give her directions and watch her follow them. What a contrast to the frustration we experienced with Jay.
Now I realize how delayed Jay was at that age and I mourn the fact that, as inexperienced parents, we didn't recognize his hearing loss sooner. I'm sad that we didn't get to fully enjoy those years with Jay. What a treat it is to sit quietly and read my two-year-old daughter a book, to whisper silly thoughts back and forth. These moments are bittersweet when I realize what I never shared with Jay when he was that age.
A friend once told me that some children tickle our hearts, others warm them. I'm sure that any mother with more than one child would say that her love for each child is unique, and yet equal. I hope that I will be able to maintain the balance within our family, even though the child with special needs sometimes requires more attention. I want both children to feel equally valued and loved. If not, I suppose I can always re-create the scene from The Prince of Tides, where the mother takes each of her children aside and utters the words many before her have said, You know I love you the most, right?
Contact Kim Waters through her blog, A Little Less Conversation at http://kimwaters.wordpress.com.
