After part of my hearing was ruined by a serious sinus infection at the age of 19, confidence on the dating scene eluded me. At first, I simply didn’t deal with the loss. I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I didn’t hear well. To protect myself, I would smile and nod a lot. Obviously this is not the best dating strategy – unless you’re in a bar where that’s perfectly normal for everyone. I’m sure I misheard countless suitors but I didn’t want anyone to know my secret. However, communication is essential to life, not just dating, so I was incapable of ignoring it for long. Slowly, I emerged from my shell. I learned to believe in myself, advocate for myself and date in spite of my hearing loss. Looking back on issues I faced, the following strategies proved beneficial to me.
• Check to make sure that what you heard is actually what was said. Dating involves disclosure and making plans. It’s a plus to have your facts straight and essential to understand what a potential partner is saying. It’s not a good thing if you hear, “I’ll pick you up at eight.” and he is actually saying, “I don’t feel so great.” Can you see where a problem might arise? It’s always a good idea to double-check the intended words were heard. Otherwise you may be waiting a long time for your date.
• Schedule your dates in places where you have the best chance of listening. Offer something imaginative, like heading to the park. This one-on-one time can be a great opportunity to get to know one another. The best date I ever had was when my boyfriend drove my jeep out on the beach and we spent hours sitting on a rock, talking and looking up at the stars. After we left the beach he took me to the park and I swung on the swings. It was amazing.
• Take it slow and learn to trust. My biggest concern about dating was being close physically. Feedback, like the sound heard when an electric guitar is placed too closely to an amp, would occur when someone got too close to my ears. You don’t have to blurt right out, “I wear hearing aids,” when you first meet someone, but you might want to squeeze it in sometime before the third date. One time my boyfriend gave me a huge hug after we had been apart for a few days. The hearing aids began making noise. This, of course, was before he knew about my hearing situation. With a blushing, red-hot face, I told him about the noise and my hearing aids.
• When spending the night, make sure to put your hearing aids in a safe place, preferably somewhere high. I learned this the hard way. One morning after spending the night at my boyfriend’s house, I was preparing to leave and could only find one hearing aid. I searched high and low, under the table, behind his dresser, under the bed – everywhere – and could not find it. Eventually, I found it in his Weimaraner’s (dog) mouth. Thankfully, I had insurance.
• Learn to laugh at yourself. This ability can make the uncomfortable situations less awkward. Consider, one time I was singing along with a song in front of a potential suitor and got the lyrics wrong. The words to the song were “Rally ‘round the family with a pocket full of shells.” I was singing, “We’re headed down to Friendly’s with a pocket full of (sea) shells.” (My apologies to Rage Against the Machine.) My date and I enjoyed a good laugh at the wholesome spin I had put on that song.
• Be proud of who you are and smile often. Most, if not all, people have some aspect of themselves that they work to accept. I used to wear my hair over my ears to hide my hearing aids. In fact, that’s what my husband tells me he remembers from our dating years. He says I look so much better with my hair off my face. (Nice of you to tell me now, honey!)
I’ve always thought of dating as searching for the perfect pair of jeans. You know, the ones that fit like a glove. To achieve that perfect fit you may have to try on many or you may get lucky and find the quintessential pair right off the bat. I found my ideal pair a few years back but I certainly did savor my time in the dressing room. Dating with hearing loss made the time all the more memorable.
Kara Kennedy Duff, happily married with two boys and a big orange tomcat, lives in Wellfleet, Mass. After receiving an associate degree from Cape Cod Community College, she is returning to school at Suffolk University to obtain a Bachelor of Arts in communications and public relations.
