Robin was a 21-year-old young woman with healthy hearing when she went to sleep at a friend’s house one night. She awoke the next morning totally deaf. She relates, “I walked out of my friend’s house to go home – they lived on a highway – and I saw a semitrailer go by, but there was no sound, just trees, leaves and grass bending and swaying as the truck passed. My brain just could not compute the lack of sound. I was numb.” The shock of her mysterious overnight hearing loss turned Robin into a zombie as she struggled to deal with her grief.
What Is Grief?
Grief is intense emotional suffering caused by a significant loss in our lives. We value our hearing and thus, it is natural for us to grieve when we lose it. Our grief shows that we comprehend our loss and recognize that we are powerless to restore it.
Grieving is not a state of being but rather a process we work through. The grieving process is a natural and necessary, healthy condition that includes a number of emotional safety valves to release the pressure so we don’t “blow up.”
No one denies that grieving is painful. Fear, sadness, crying and thinking about our loss are normal expressions of grief. When we squarely face our hearing loss, the waves of emotions we call grief flow over us for some time. This grieving process cannot be rushed or turned back.
The Stages of Grief
Losing hearing as an adult elicits many of the same emotions experienced by persons with a terminal illness, though perhaps not as intense. In On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross outlined the five stages of grieving that the terminally ill experience: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People who have a sudden hearing loss may experience these same stages, saying goodbye to their once-enjoyed hearing and preparing themselves for their new lives.
Each of us progresses through these stages at our own pace. For some it may take a few days, for others, several years. Realize, however, that this is not necessarily a linear process. We may experience only one stage at a time, or we can be in denial in one aspect of our hearing loss, while perfectly accepting of it in another aspect. Likewise, we can be simultaneously angry over one area affected by our lack of hearing and be depressed in another area.
Furthermore, we may skip one or more of these stages of grief or experience them in a different order. We may regress and repeat certain stages, especially if we have progressive hearing loss. As one woman who has had hearing loss for many years explained, “I’m still in the grieving process. The problem is that I get better and start to lead a normal life. Then, my hearing gets worse and down I go again! It’s been a hectic emotional roller coaster.”
Here are the five stages of grief and how they may affect us as we progress through them.
Denial
The news shocks us. We express disbelief. “It can’t be!” “They’re wrong!” “It’s not me they are talking about!” “Someone made a mistake!” “I don’t have a hearing loss!”
Denial is our first, and perfectly natural, reaction when faced with the shocking news of a hearing loss. Often, it is too painful for us to accept that we will never again have normal hearing.
Shock temporarily anaesthetizes us, providing a brief escape from reality. During our initial denial and shock, which may last a few hours, days and, in the case of a gradual hearing loss, several years, we feel numb and show little emotion. By temporarily blocking our loss, we give ourselves time to adjust more gradually to our new reality. We need denial temporarily but must not linger in it.
Anger
Once we admit we have a hearing loss, we often experience rage and even envy and resentment. We ask, “Why me?” “It just isn’t fair!” “What did I do to deserve a hearing loss?” We’re angry that the world seems to continue on as if nothing has happened and that no one can share our grief.
Anger may express itself as stubbornness, rebellion, silence or abusive and destructive behavior. We may deny these negative traits in ourselves and, instead, project them upon others. In this state of mind, we may lash out at everyone and everything. Supportive family members will try not to take the expressions of anger personally and allow us to work through this stage.
Bargaining
Once we admit our hearing loss and our anger has subsided, we may try to bargain with ourselves, with others or with God for the return of our hearing. We are more inclined to bargain if we do not perceive our hearing loss as permanent. These futile attempts arise from our need to feel a sense of control in our lives to keep us from feeling completely helpless to change the situation. It is yet another healthy step on the road to acceptance.
Depression
Denial, anger and bargaining have not worked and we conclude nothing will. We finally realize our hearing loss is real and cannot be reversed. As we acknowledge it is futile to continue fighting the obvious and inevitable, we become depressed.
We may feel varying degrees of sadness, loneliness and despair. We may feel that life is not worth living any more. Our usual activities lose their importance. Our hearing loss makes us feel insecure and isolated causing us to further withdraw from many social situations.
Depression shouldn’t last forever though. Eventually, we take steps toward a new normal life. As we meet and overcome each new challenge with hearing loss, our depression begins to lift. We realize that life isn’t over, we can find a happy, normal life again – we see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Acceptance
The final stage is acceptance. In this stage, we now concentrate more on the future than the past. Here we begin to look for ways to successfully cope with our hearing loss. Our lifestyle must change but it need not be any less rewarding.
We have reached the acceptance stage when we freely admit, “There is something wrong with my hearing, not with me. I am okay. Only my hearing is impaired, not my intelligence. I may not feel good about being hard of hearing but I do feel good about myself. I don’t want to miss out on things any more. Even if I can’t hear very well, I still want to enjoy life to its fullest. I am going to live again!”
If you’re going through the grief caused by a loss of hearing, be patient with yourself and with this process that your mind and body inherently know. If you feel yourself stuck in one stage, such as anger or depression, just venting your feelings to a friend may be enough to help you work through. The most important work of grief is releasing all the negative emotions created by your loss. Holding on to the hurt is counterproductive. Seek a way to unburden yourself by talking to a compassionate friend or a counselor, or at very least, expressing your emotions in private through tears, writing or artistic expression.
What’s lost may never be fully restored but there is still a lot of joy in life, even as we learn to live with our loss.
Neil Bauman, Ph.D., is a specialist in hearing loss and coping skills, as well as an author and speaker. Dr. Bauman is the author of 10 books, including Grieving for Your Hearing Loss — The Rocky Road from Denial to Acceptance. For more information on coping with hearing loss, contact him at neil@hearinglosshelp.com or at www.hearinglosshelp.com.
