How many people do you know who should be wearing hearing aids but aren’t? Let me give you an insider’s view of a situation that would be considered pandemic if it were almost any other health condition.
The National Institutes of Health report that there are more than 28 million Americans with hearing loss who could benefit from hearing aids. Current vital statistics put the United States population at approximately 296 million, which means about 10 percent of Americans have hearing loss – that’s one in 10 Americans. According to the last census, the average U.S. household consists of approximately five people. So, on average, one person in every two households has hearing loss! This means that half the households in the U.S. could include an immediate member with hearing loss and certainly most families have someone with hearing loss in the extended family unit.
If we were talking about heart disease, cancer or some raging virus, public health officials would undoubtedly be on this case tirelessly trying to solve it. Sadly, the perspective on hearing loss, not only among public health officials and policy makers but even by those afflicted, has been to ignore it. Eighty percent of people with hearing loss decline the use of hearing aids. The perception for decades seems to have been to try to sweep this condition under a rug and forget about it. What we really need to do is flush it out, address the issues, accept the reality of its prevalence and make wearing hearing aids a sign of pride instead of an embarrassment. People now wear cell phones attached to their ears all day long. How much harder can it be to wear a hearing aid? Apparently, a lot!
It is my opinion, based on 35 years in the hearing industry, that hearing loss is the most resisted health condition in America! I believe it brings more strife and hostility to homes and relationships across America than any other single health crisis. I have counseled hundreds of couples over the years and I can report that many honest hearing spouses have confessed that their marriages failed because of their loved-one’s resistance to treatment. It becomes the unnecessary focal point of upset for the entire family, including the children. With relationships in mind, let’s take a peek into the nature of this resistance.
Many hearing healthcare professionals mistakenly believe that people who need hearing aids but don’t get them are simply in denial. I believe that exceptionally few people actually deny that they have loss of hearing. Even normal hearing in the low- and mid-frequencies with a mild- to moderate-high frequency hearing loss is self-evident to most people who experience it. I estimate that fewer than five percent of people with hearing loss actually deny the condition exists. If true, then what’s going on with the other 95 percent?
People know they have hearing loss but most of them believe that it just isn’t bad enough (yet) to warrant seeking treatment. This is a tragic fallacy. Because hearing loss typically starts with a mild loss and progresses slowly, the condition itself can become very self-deceiving. To make matters worse, 86 percent of physicians do not even screen for hearing loss in their annual physicals. Many physicians do not encourage their patients to treat their hearing loss, thereby undermining the efforts of those of us committed to helping people with hearing loss.
In fact, the two main obstacles to treating hearing loss are the individuals themselves and their “support” networks – the family members who interact daily with the person with hearing loss. This is quite a paradox. Why would a person who is miserable and frustrated with his hearing loss be his own impediment to treating it? And how could families that want their loved ones to get help actually prevent them from getting help? Let’s explore this.
Few of us willingly and openly confess to the world that we have hearing loss. It is my impression that in America, hearing loss in women is associated with aging, while in men, it is a sign of weakness. Women in America go to great lengths to prevent the appearance of aging. Newsweek reported that consumers spent $12.4 billion last year on cosmeceuticals – anti-aging treatments with druglike benefits – not to mention the billions spent on cosmetic surgery and anti-aging cosmetics. For a woman to seek out a hearing aid for age-related hearing loss or even noise-induced hearing loss is to admit she is aging.
Men seem generally less concerned with aging, perhaps with the exception of hair growth. How many times have you heard, “Wrinkles give men character”? For men, having a hearing loss seems to suggest that they are no longer as virile, strong and macho as either they used to be or as other men are. We quite typically think of strength as a positive male quality. Thus, accepting the presence of hearing loss and seeking treatment through use of hearing aids can be subliminally equated to “throwing in the towel” or just “giving up.” This runs counter to the thinking of someone who perceives himself to be “strong.”
These perceptions have developed not only as a result of individual needs and concerns but also have evolved into societal styles driven by multibillion-dollar industries that support and encourage these unfortunate misperceptions. There are many beautiful faces among women with wrinkles and there are many virile men who openly tout the fact that they wear hearing aids and would challenge anyone who might call them weak. But obviously, these are the exceptions.
The National Council on the Aging reports these common reasons that people state for not getting hearing aids:
• Hearing aids are too expensive.
• They won’t help my specific condition.
• I don’t trust hearing specialists.
• I tried one and it didn’t work.
• They make me feel old.
• I didn’t like the way they looked.
• I’m too embarrassed to wear one.
• I don’t like what others will think about me.
Although there may be some truth in these statements, usually they are merely excuses which then become the strongholds for future resistance. And they are convincing. Industry marketing surveys have determined that the average American waits seven to 10 years before seeking treatment for hearing loss. But it is not the sole fault of the person with hearing loss. As unbelievable as it seems, many people who love a family member with hearing loss actually prevent them from seeking help by persisting in highly codependent, albeit well-intentioned, behaviors.
Serving the endless needs of loved ones by being their ears or giving into demands against one’s better judgment, repeating what is missed, interpreting messages and making them feel everything is okay without seeking treatment enables people with hearing loss to continue to avoid getting the help they really need. This means that both the person with hearing loss and the enabling family members are part of the problem. Of course, it’s human nature to want to help loved ones in need to hear better, and if they wear hearing aids, everyone should help them as much as possible. But conversely, if they resist the use of hearing aids, everyone else in their life becomes their ears. This isn’t fair to the hearing person and becomes the basis for the resentment that develops in so many families. In marriages, resentment puts out the flames of passion. It eats away at and can ultimately destroy the bonds of love and intimacy. You cannot express love in the same breath as resentment and resentment usually erodes the relationships in the home of a loved one with hearing loss who is resistant to treatment.
The solution? Normal-hearing loved ones in the family must stop the codependent behaviors that undermine the real efforts required to get help for this family member. It must start with the person with hearing loss recognizing the depth of the problem. Everybody has been helping this loved one hear for so many years through codependent behaviors that to stop these behaviors can result in a true awakening.
For real help that enables a more independent life for your family member or friend with hearing loss, try these steps:
Stop supporting a system of communication that does not work.
Find just one sensitive way to broach the topic of them seeking treatment.
Set new boundaries by changing your priority in communication from needing to help a loved one hear to only managing your own communication needs.
Accept the probability that a loved one will fail in communication and that’s okay because it’s part of a process toward treatment.
Trust yourself, maintaining your own high self-esteem without having to fall back into a cycle of hearing for them just because it’s expected of you.
Control your fear. You cannot use your own fear of conflict with others as an excuse to avoid making changes that will benefit you both. Let’s face it, you already have conflict.
Be truthful with yourself and with your loved one about how hearing loss impacts you. Speak from your heart, not from anger.
Give choices, options and helpful alternatives. Don’t make demands, threats or artificial consequences.
Accept no excuses but realize that no matter what you do your loved one may not change and it’s not your fault.
If you do not remain your loved-one’s ears, he or she may find someone else to lean on. That’s okay. Just don’t make your loved one with hearing loss feel wrong for it.
The only thing more lamentable than a person who is honestly not able to get help – such as in the case of the person who simply cannot afford hearing aids – is the person who is able to get help but day after day delays making a decision to truly improve his life. Don’t let that be you. Don’t let that be someone you love.
